Sigh......

Today has been a hard day, I got up late, I rushed to work and I had a lot of work to do in the first half of work, I had just 15 minutes for lunch after which I had to sit through two amazingly, mind numbingly boring meetings. About what? I have no clue. Thats the update on my end.
Anyways, todays Nablopomo(National blog posting month for the uninitiated) question of the day was what was the biggest sacrifice I had made for somebody and if it was worth it? Well let me just say, I believe that we have to live life for others. As in, what is the point of being a human being if you cannot help others? It is our fundamental duty as human beings to be of assistance to others, if it is within our capability. Seeing a smile on another person's face and knowing that you are responsible for it, is an amazing feeling.
Having said that, I don't think I can go out of my way to help someone. Its like, in my opinion asking an aneamic person to donate blood. I know it was a bad symbolism but hey, you get the point right? Coming to the point of this post, I don't believe in sacrifices, heck nature does not believe in sacrifices. Theory of evolution? Survival of the fittest? Its the simplest of concepts but hey, its still applicable right? More so in today's corporate world and competitive atmosphere where winning is everything. Yeah I know I'm sounding like Viru Sahasrabuddhe straight out of three idiots but essentially he wasn't totally wrong. Man, though he is a social animal essentially lives for himself. That is a non negetable truth. It would be escapism if you said, Hey no I'd do go out of my way to ensure that my friend gets that job, I mean come on, if both of you are equally qualified, why don't you want the job? Secondly even if your friend was more qualified, where is your fighting spirit? Don't you want to fight it till in the end?
Humanity is yet a different thing. It is our fundamental duty as humans to help others. I think the world would be a much better place if we accepted that. Tolerance,charity, giving these are not spiritual concepts but humanitarian. We don't live in an egalitarian society, we were never raised that way. Do or die fight or flight... these are the lines we were raised on. So what meaning does sacrifice have? In love? Sacrificing yourself in the name of love, requited or unrequited is just escapism. Sacrificing your happiness because somebody else can be happy? I don't think so. There is adjustment, there is compliance in relationships but there is no sacrifice. Plus, do you think your sacrifice would go down well with the other persons conscience? If you talk about the "sacrifices" your parents have made, thats not the right word. They were performing their duty else trying to let nothing stand in your way so that they could realise their goals through you.
Again saying that, a complicated thing this love is. Its an emotion quite different from the other? How you ask? This is the only emotion which allows you to diplay a wide range of emotions in a go. Happiness, sadness, anger, passion,insanity... all towards a person you are bound to in the name of love.
Hmm now I am confused. Looks like I'm having contrasting views on the same subject again. Sigh!

Purpose, defeated?

This morning as I was getting ready to go to work, using my favourite L'Oreal kohl pencil and Lakme eyeliner to highlight my eyes, I gazed upon my dressing table. I don't own a lot of make up and I don't intend to use a lot either, but I do spend a considerable amount on hair and body care. I think its unfair to turn them as luxuries because the amount of pollution I travel in, I think my skin and hair deserve that much of care and looking after. So after that self satisfactory justification, I was travelling to work and we got stuck at in a traffic jam.
There were these kids, barely 10 years old I think, was selling knick knacks. They seemed to be having fun doing that because they were putting up a performance while trying to sell their stuff. I called a guy and asked him if he didn't go to school. He replied that he didn't, so me being the "Oh I have a huge social conscience" me prodded him further asking him if he wanted to go to school. What he said appalled me. Briefly summarizing what he said: "I don't want to go to school. There are no teachers.The teachers who come hit me. I don't have books. The rice they give me(Andhra Pradesh government has a policy in which all school children are given free meals) is stale. The boys elder to me pick on me. Its better I sell this and eat biryani. If I do the work properly I will not get hit.It is irritating when people like you ask me why I don't go to school. I don't want to go to school. " I had never seen this angle of child labour. The kid had decided that he was better off this way rather than going through the cumbersome process of going to school.
Agreed that the education system in India is in need of a lot of reform, but when the government talks about eradicating child labour, why should it be taken in the single dimensional view of academics? Why couldn't be crafts or arts or sports? Isn't the basic aim of this program providing the child with basic skills so that he can be self sufficient and worldly wise? Then what is the use of putting him in a school with no teachers, and if there are any treat him like an animal? Wasn't rescuing him from the same fate the point of this program? What good will training him sports do you ask? Well, we all crib at the abysmal performance of our sportsmen and always wonder why such a huge country cannot produce more golds right? This could change if we can identify talent in kids and put them in a sports school so they can prosper and do our country proud. Its not a completely unrealizable idea, our neighbour China has been doing it for quite some time and they have brilliant athletes. That aside, don't you think its high time we stopped criticizing the government and step up and give something back to the society, atleast in the form of knowledge transfer? Sure that could work, but are we equipped to handle the needs of children as a teacher can? I'm not too sure of that.
Its not that people don't care here in India. They do. But what they know dissuades them from coming up to help. We all know what percentage would reach the deserving if we donate or come up to help. Its not indifference because most of the public is well aware of our country's problems. We are aware. We want to help. There are two major factors which stop us though, firstly bureaucracy and secondly, does the other party want to help? Will they take our help and not misuse it in any other way? Let me elaborate, when I used to commute to college, there used to be a very old man in the station. One day I gave him 50 rupees in the morning. I saw him in the evening again, drunk. He had used the money I had given him to drink. One or two situations like this happen to everybody at a personal level and that triggers us to think twice before lending a hand to help.
The point of this post? I was seriously considering sponsoring the kid's education. I was that impressed by his skill. India is an emerging market and consumerism is pretty high. Face it: Excess is the new mantra. Luxury is a way of life. Gone are those days that people would think twice before buying a product. Don't get me wrong, the quintessential farmer is still at the mercy of the monsoon. By people here,I mean the corporates. Make no mistake,we do always want to give back. Probably maybe the guilt that the amount of money I spent on my haircare would easily pay one year of his fees actually made me want to ask him about going to school. Until I heard his views on education. You might ask, you should've still put him in school nevertheless. No, bad idea. Kids like him are accustomed to a certain level of comfort. They need money. Not education, they are already street smart. They would only pollute the atmosphere by instigating other kids. What will happen to these kids and their kids and their grand kids? Isn't it a generation ruined? Who is it to blame? Alas, that is a question no one can answer.

In the dumps!

As I am typing this, there is only one thought going on in my mind: "Am I working enough?" You must think that I'm demented. Hardly. Well, I've started working for this Telecommunications company from last October. Now telecomm is a departure from my field, computers. I've had an offer from an multinational I.T. company, but since this deal was more lucrative and I got to stay back in my home town, I opted for it.
Now it is common knowledge that in IT companies, they make their trainees go through a very rigorous training period. Exams, grades, evaluations, case studies, presentations and the rest. You have severe pressure put on you and are compelled to excel, otherwise you are shown the door. So when my manager said I'd have to learn things ASAP, I thought it was going to be ASAP. Quite the contrary, I've got nothing to do most of the day, the things they ask me to do, it takes me very little time to finish and they seem pretty satisfied with the way I'm taking things.This worries me.
I mean, I'm the only fresher in my team, so it is implied there is no competition and people are very nice to me, helping me out with things and all. But then, the training plan is not regular either, since I don;t have a fixed schedule or a plan. It immensely worries me that I might be called for an appraisal and my manager would not see what my mentor and other team members have seen in me. As in he might find faults in my performance or some pitfalls in the knowledge assimilated. Another challenge I'm facing is that on a particularly busy day, I've nothing to do other than surfing the net.
Its not that I want to continue this job forever, but I don't want to get scolded or reprimanded. Maybe this is all natural in the first two months of work. I might be over reacting and hyper ventilating. I'm one of those people who think too much about a particular thing and in the end, no good comes out of it other than me being upset and depressed. Sigh. I sound like an old hag.
Someone slap me. HARD!

On why I said nothing

Ok, I've been away for long, I know but the silence was not intentional. I did want to write badly but couldn't for a variety of reasons. Firstly, I've been suffering from a severe case of writer's block. I was so utterly devastated, I did not think it was something that would happen to me. Writing, I always thought came naturally to me. I tried to write forcefully, thinking habit would force me into writing, but that led to my most insipid and uninspiring posts. Period.
So what have been up to? I've started working. Its a completely different field, I can't say I'm loving it, but it isn't unbearable either. Plus, they pay well. I've really been in two minds these few days, about my writing and other things. Firstly, I don't know if I'm good enough that I can make it my career. You know, the thin line between it being your hobby which you excel at and it being your passion. I love writing, but I'm not so sure about my content. I'm a natural but I'm mediocre. I have nothing new to offer.
P was a my pillar of support, helping me navigate my uncertainities. Make no mistake, he was brutally honest. "You suck", he said:"in terms of creativity, you just can't keep drawing from your life again and again, you just don't seem to think beyond your life. But your language is pretty okay, passable even."
So thats when it hit me, I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I don't do something about my writing. I will go further and hone it, but till then, this is would my medium and you guys, my greatest critics.

The moniker

He was three years old when he had seen her. She was the tiniest thing he had every seen, tinier than Dexter the puppy he thought to himself. His mom was fussing over her, she hadn't seen him come in. He climbed onto th bed with a little effort, proud of himself, the spirit quickly doused, for there was no audience, nobody to say, "Aiyyo Krishna, you shall fall down" or "Look at him climbing the bed, quite the dare devil, my son". His audience, who had observed his every movement with varying emotions of amusement, joy, wary and alarm, with an adoration, not different from the star struck fan has in his eyes when he sees his idol. "Isn't she beautiful?" his mother was asking his father. "The most beautiful baby in the world,indeed" his grandma replied, whilst his dad was looking at his daughter. He could not understand where this "she" came from. All he knew that his mother was ill for a day and came back from the hospital with this attention snatcher. "Mumma", said Krishna, trying to catch his mother's attention for a minute. His mother took him into her arms, the tiny meddlesome being still resting in her lap. It was letting out a small giggle looking at him, as if to mock him, he thought. "Krishna, look, this is your baby sister, now you can play with her all day", his grandma said. "Mumma but I don't like girls. I don't want a sister", Krishna was whining by now. His mom was alarmed now, lest he hate the baby, thinking it took away all the attention, so she said "No baby, remember how Lord Krishna looked after his sister Subhadra? How he fought the demons to protect her? You should also do that, take care of your sister, she is your baby Krishna" she said. Krishna was now filled with a sense of duty and valiance, most of all, a sense of pride, that now he was like the God Krishna, destroyer of evil. He brought it upon himself to take care of his little sister in every which way possible.
As the years passed, Krishna started college, discovering Pink Floyd, Malbro, Irani chai, midnight biryani. Getting sloshed was a permanent solution to life's miseries. Getting sloshed was celebration. Getting drunk and high was a way of life. It was a way to fill the gaping void in his life, which seemed to be caused by no apparent reason. The root he said was important, once I know it, I will quit he said. He had a lot of friends, but he never forgot his little sister. One call of hers and he'd drop everything, be it a bottle or a sentence in mid air and rush to her aide. He was her protector, her confidant and at times her co-conspirator. She looked up to him, adored him and thought of him as the enlightened one, the one who had all the answers and knew the ways of the world. To him, she was the only thing that kept him grounded to reality. Then, things changed.
He thought it was stress of school at first. The occasional not picking up of his call or not getting a reply to his message. She called him fewer times and their conversations were dry with spells of silence, as if she was always in thought or that they had nothing to say to each other. "Am I being too hard on her?" he thought, but then he realized there was another man in her life. Subhadra's Arjun was Krishna's friend. He tried talking to her, saying that Arjun was as clueless as him, without purpose or without care. But she was too smitten by the wild and unyielding Arjun to heed him, "besides, Krishna, he is just like you... He even says the same things as you do." Krishna attempted to talk to Arjun over a bottle of beer... He saw that Arjun was not touching neither the beer nor the joint. "I found my root Krishna, I found love, I found purpose" he said, "I quit".
He can't be upto any good Krishna thought. I have to constantly keep an eye on them, he decided. He pursued them relentlessly, zealously at first, fanatically and maniacally later. His drug abuse spiralled and he was sucked into the vortex of endless alcohol. With alcohol, his tongue lost control.Arjun was irritated, but Subhadra always understood, he would never let her go. When they decided to get married, they got consent from both their families, except Krishna, who in a fit of rage hit Arjun. My sister he roared in rage, is my sister, My sister. SHE is mine. Arjun had enough by then was enraged. "Come to your senses, she loves me as much as she loves you, I love her more than you do",he said. It hit Krishna then, when Arjun had said that. He looked at Arjun, how much he had progressed, he had everything, just because he wanted to make something out of himself. No longer could he see Arjun as his drinking buddy, he had far evolved. He looked at himself, the sorry state he was in, drunk and unable to comprehend, what he had made out of his life, his sister, an excuse, to escape from himself. The reality was, though he was a warrior, a saviour, a shield from evil to the outside world, he was the one in need of saviour, a warrior to combat his inner deamons. Krishna, he thought...What a sham, this namesake has made of your name...

I say....(Post 6)

Sometime in the last week I had this problem, my laptop (deciding that it had worked well enough since the past couple of month) refused vehemently to connect to the internet through wi-fi. The signal was clear, it had excellent strength, the IP address was in its rightful position and yet no internet. Which crime am I being punished for now? I thought as I stared in oblivion at the Internet explorer’s error message (I had a project deadline to meet the next day). It took me several calls to my service provider for them to realize that the internet was not at fault, apparently me drivers had gone kaput and that I had to call a hardware specialist to reconfigure them. Two hardware engineers and three days later my net still wasn’t working. This time they blamed it on my service provider.Another software engineer (courtesy my service provider) I realized, my router wasn’t working. Ok, I am not just ranting about my net woes, thats just a part of a bigger picture. The whole net fiasco got me thinking, me being a final year above average technical graduate from a decent college, having studied subjects like Computer Networks and the like, was not able to figure out that, my router, how do I put it, was screwed up. Shame
Well I realized that it was not only me, but a whole lot of my other peers who had little or no gyaan on why we were studying what we were studying. Why does IT have “Principles Of Communication” as a subject? I’m as clueless as the next person is. Well, that’s that, but I’ll admit, leaving all my pride aside, I do not know how to repair my own computer. I know I’m not lying when I say 75% of engineering graduates don’t.
Lets just take into account the principle all engineering students follow as a decree “One day batting”. Study the day before and pass with flying colors. What would be our state if we went to a doctor who got his degree doing one day batting? I’m too terrified to even imagine. Ok, I’m not being the Buddha preaching the “Circle of Life” saying all of this. I’m just saying this is going on because the system is allowing it. No, I’m not saying JNTU, but the education system in general. Introspecting a bit, I have no idea why I’m doing engineering, leave alone IT. Do most of us know why? I think the most plausible answer you would get would be “Because I didn’t want to be a doctor”. Indians value education. That’s a good thing, definitely. But, you see, as someone pointed out to me once, it was only because of that attitude our parents pushed us, sometimes cajoling us, sometimes reprimanding us, maybe even bribing us or just plain blackmail, made us believe, no brainwashed us into believing, that the world revolved around studies.
Your neighbors kid scores more than you, there is instant comparison spiraling you into a world of jealousy, hatred and what not. Not that what they are making you do is bad, its only for your bright future. That’s true. But, what happens when someone wants to genuinely learn something and is denied the knowledge?
You would be amazed to know how often that happens. Call it the lack of resources,infrastructure or even qualified enough teachers, well you are eschewed of your right to know. If your curious you are labeled naïve or laughed at for not knowing. That is the sad state of affairs, because we are taught not to question! Like a line out of a cheesy gangster movie “You ask too many questions”! And that’s just primary education. When we have great educationalists and reformists, what’s the intention behind removing the 10th class board exams? “We don’t care for languages and social studies?” What about technical education? Is there even a slight possibility that a civil engineering student would have at least built a thermacol model of a bridge? Maybe all of this is a consequence of commercializing education. I mean, think about it, private colleges charging exorbitant prices, so that you lose your life in the process of getting into a "good" college. Maybe not your life, just your sleep and precious brain cells in mugging up what? What temperature oxygen is in liquid state. Then, after you've been exhausted enough, your fifteen years of education is put to test on ONE exam, which decides how your life goes on after that. Talk about fair. Overcoming that Herculean task are a select few, the coveted cream of the society, the mediocre ones like myself, who would be self-detested graduates and the lower rung who are well according to the society , losers? If that isn't iniquitous enough, reservations and management seats come into the picture. The meaning of education, has made its transition from "amassing knowledge" to a "social status" to a "business". Well, whatever said and done, are you ready to face the world with the knowledge you have? Thats for you to introspect. As for my part, I'd say, a famous line from a famous movie. The system is not perfect, you can either live with it or fight against it. Think about it!

B'cos I want to...(Post 5)

Uhh I have fever but I'm just posting because I have to. There's the final match today and I hope the Netherlands win. I don't have anything again Spain,really. i do hate Paul though. He's one stupid octopus. Or we are even more stupid to be considering him as the FIFA Oracle. Sigh. I think we are going back to the dark ages. I don't even know when my date of joining is. Again, I obsess. Tomorrow you guys I shall come up with a story. Promise!