Sigh......

Today has been a hard day, I got up late, I rushed to work and I had a lot of work to do in the first half of work, I had just 15 minutes for lunch after which I had to sit through two amazingly, mind numbingly boring meetings. About what? I have no clue. Thats the update on my end.
Anyways, todays Nablopomo(National blog posting month for the uninitiated) question of the day was what was the biggest sacrifice I had made for somebody and if it was worth it? Well let me just say, I believe that we have to live life for others. As in, what is the point of being a human being if you cannot help others? It is our fundamental duty as human beings to be of assistance to others, if it is within our capability. Seeing a smile on another person's face and knowing that you are responsible for it, is an amazing feeling.
Having said that, I don't think I can go out of my way to help someone. Its like, in my opinion asking an aneamic person to donate blood. I know it was a bad symbolism but hey, you get the point right? Coming to the point of this post, I don't believe in sacrifices, heck nature does not believe in sacrifices. Theory of evolution? Survival of the fittest? Its the simplest of concepts but hey, its still applicable right? More so in today's corporate world and competitive atmosphere where winning is everything. Yeah I know I'm sounding like Viru Sahasrabuddhe straight out of three idiots but essentially he wasn't totally wrong. Man, though he is a social animal essentially lives for himself. That is a non negetable truth. It would be escapism if you said, Hey no I'd do go out of my way to ensure that my friend gets that job, I mean come on, if both of you are equally qualified, why don't you want the job? Secondly even if your friend was more qualified, where is your fighting spirit? Don't you want to fight it till in the end?
Humanity is yet a different thing. It is our fundamental duty as humans to help others. I think the world would be a much better place if we accepted that. Tolerance,charity, giving these are not spiritual concepts but humanitarian. We don't live in an egalitarian society, we were never raised that way. Do or die fight or flight... these are the lines we were raised on. So what meaning does sacrifice have? In love? Sacrificing yourself in the name of love, requited or unrequited is just escapism. Sacrificing your happiness because somebody else can be happy? I don't think so. There is adjustment, there is compliance in relationships but there is no sacrifice. Plus, do you think your sacrifice would go down well with the other persons conscience? If you talk about the "sacrifices" your parents have made, thats not the right word. They were performing their duty else trying to let nothing stand in your way so that they could realise their goals through you.
Again saying that, a complicated thing this love is. Its an emotion quite different from the other? How you ask? This is the only emotion which allows you to diplay a wide range of emotions in a go. Happiness, sadness, anger, passion,insanity... all towards a person you are bound to in the name of love.
Hmm now I am confused. Looks like I'm having contrasting views on the same subject again. Sigh!

Purpose, defeated?

This morning as I was getting ready to go to work, using my favourite L'Oreal kohl pencil and Lakme eyeliner to highlight my eyes, I gazed upon my dressing table. I don't own a lot of make up and I don't intend to use a lot either, but I do spend a considerable amount on hair and body care. I think its unfair to turn them as luxuries because the amount of pollution I travel in, I think my skin and hair deserve that much of care and looking after. So after that self satisfactory justification, I was travelling to work and we got stuck at in a traffic jam.
There were these kids, barely 10 years old I think, was selling knick knacks. They seemed to be having fun doing that because they were putting up a performance while trying to sell their stuff. I called a guy and asked him if he didn't go to school. He replied that he didn't, so me being the "Oh I have a huge social conscience" me prodded him further asking him if he wanted to go to school. What he said appalled me. Briefly summarizing what he said: "I don't want to go to school. There are no teachers.The teachers who come hit me. I don't have books. The rice they give me(Andhra Pradesh government has a policy in which all school children are given free meals) is stale. The boys elder to me pick on me. Its better I sell this and eat biryani. If I do the work properly I will not get hit.It is irritating when people like you ask me why I don't go to school. I don't want to go to school. " I had never seen this angle of child labour. The kid had decided that he was better off this way rather than going through the cumbersome process of going to school.
Agreed that the education system in India is in need of a lot of reform, but when the government talks about eradicating child labour, why should it be taken in the single dimensional view of academics? Why couldn't be crafts or arts or sports? Isn't the basic aim of this program providing the child with basic skills so that he can be self sufficient and worldly wise? Then what is the use of putting him in a school with no teachers, and if there are any treat him like an animal? Wasn't rescuing him from the same fate the point of this program? What good will training him sports do you ask? Well, we all crib at the abysmal performance of our sportsmen and always wonder why such a huge country cannot produce more golds right? This could change if we can identify talent in kids and put them in a sports school so they can prosper and do our country proud. Its not a completely unrealizable idea, our neighbour China has been doing it for quite some time and they have brilliant athletes. That aside, don't you think its high time we stopped criticizing the government and step up and give something back to the society, atleast in the form of knowledge transfer? Sure that could work, but are we equipped to handle the needs of children as a teacher can? I'm not too sure of that.
Its not that people don't care here in India. They do. But what they know dissuades them from coming up to help. We all know what percentage would reach the deserving if we donate or come up to help. Its not indifference because most of the public is well aware of our country's problems. We are aware. We want to help. There are two major factors which stop us though, firstly bureaucracy and secondly, does the other party want to help? Will they take our help and not misuse it in any other way? Let me elaborate, when I used to commute to college, there used to be a very old man in the station. One day I gave him 50 rupees in the morning. I saw him in the evening again, drunk. He had used the money I had given him to drink. One or two situations like this happen to everybody at a personal level and that triggers us to think twice before lending a hand to help.
The point of this post? I was seriously considering sponsoring the kid's education. I was that impressed by his skill. India is an emerging market and consumerism is pretty high. Face it: Excess is the new mantra. Luxury is a way of life. Gone are those days that people would think twice before buying a product. Don't get me wrong, the quintessential farmer is still at the mercy of the monsoon. By people here,I mean the corporates. Make no mistake,we do always want to give back. Probably maybe the guilt that the amount of money I spent on my haircare would easily pay one year of his fees actually made me want to ask him about going to school. Until I heard his views on education. You might ask, you should've still put him in school nevertheless. No, bad idea. Kids like him are accustomed to a certain level of comfort. They need money. Not education, they are already street smart. They would only pollute the atmosphere by instigating other kids. What will happen to these kids and their kids and their grand kids? Isn't it a generation ruined? Who is it to blame? Alas, that is a question no one can answer.

In the dumps!

As I am typing this, there is only one thought going on in my mind: "Am I working enough?" You must think that I'm demented. Hardly. Well, I've started working for this Telecommunications company from last October. Now telecomm is a departure from my field, computers. I've had an offer from an multinational I.T. company, but since this deal was more lucrative and I got to stay back in my home town, I opted for it.
Now it is common knowledge that in IT companies, they make their trainees go through a very rigorous training period. Exams, grades, evaluations, case studies, presentations and the rest. You have severe pressure put on you and are compelled to excel, otherwise you are shown the door. So when my manager said I'd have to learn things ASAP, I thought it was going to be ASAP. Quite the contrary, I've got nothing to do most of the day, the things they ask me to do, it takes me very little time to finish and they seem pretty satisfied with the way I'm taking things.This worries me.
I mean, I'm the only fresher in my team, so it is implied there is no competition and people are very nice to me, helping me out with things and all. But then, the training plan is not regular either, since I don;t have a fixed schedule or a plan. It immensely worries me that I might be called for an appraisal and my manager would not see what my mentor and other team members have seen in me. As in he might find faults in my performance or some pitfalls in the knowledge assimilated. Another challenge I'm facing is that on a particularly busy day, I've nothing to do other than surfing the net.
Its not that I want to continue this job forever, but I don't want to get scolded or reprimanded. Maybe this is all natural in the first two months of work. I might be over reacting and hyper ventilating. I'm one of those people who think too much about a particular thing and in the end, no good comes out of it other than me being upset and depressed. Sigh. I sound like an old hag.
Someone slap me. HARD!

On why I said nothing

Ok, I've been away for long, I know but the silence was not intentional. I did want to write badly but couldn't for a variety of reasons. Firstly, I've been suffering from a severe case of writer's block. I was so utterly devastated, I did not think it was something that would happen to me. Writing, I always thought came naturally to me. I tried to write forcefully, thinking habit would force me into writing, but that led to my most insipid and uninspiring posts. Period.
So what have been up to? I've started working. Its a completely different field, I can't say I'm loving it, but it isn't unbearable either. Plus, they pay well. I've really been in two minds these few days, about my writing and other things. Firstly, I don't know if I'm good enough that I can make it my career. You know, the thin line between it being your hobby which you excel at and it being your passion. I love writing, but I'm not so sure about my content. I'm a natural but I'm mediocre. I have nothing new to offer.
P was a my pillar of support, helping me navigate my uncertainities. Make no mistake, he was brutally honest. "You suck", he said:"in terms of creativity, you just can't keep drawing from your life again and again, you just don't seem to think beyond your life. But your language is pretty okay, passable even."
So thats when it hit me, I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I don't do something about my writing. I will go further and hone it, but till then, this is would my medium and you guys, my greatest critics.

The moniker

He was three years old when he had seen her. She was the tiniest thing he had every seen, tinier than Dexter the puppy he thought to himself. His mom was fussing over her, she hadn't seen him come in. He climbed onto th bed with a little effort, proud of himself, the spirit quickly doused, for there was no audience, nobody to say, "Aiyyo Krishna, you shall fall down" or "Look at him climbing the bed, quite the dare devil, my son". His audience, who had observed his every movement with varying emotions of amusement, joy, wary and alarm, with an adoration, not different from the star struck fan has in his eyes when he sees his idol. "Isn't she beautiful?" his mother was asking his father. "The most beautiful baby in the world,indeed" his grandma replied, whilst his dad was looking at his daughter. He could not understand where this "she" came from. All he knew that his mother was ill for a day and came back from the hospital with this attention snatcher. "Mumma", said Krishna, trying to catch his mother's attention for a minute. His mother took him into her arms, the tiny meddlesome being still resting in her lap. It was letting out a small giggle looking at him, as if to mock him, he thought. "Krishna, look, this is your baby sister, now you can play with her all day", his grandma said. "Mumma but I don't like girls. I don't want a sister", Krishna was whining by now. His mom was alarmed now, lest he hate the baby, thinking it took away all the attention, so she said "No baby, remember how Lord Krishna looked after his sister Subhadra? How he fought the demons to protect her? You should also do that, take care of your sister, she is your baby Krishna" she said. Krishna was now filled with a sense of duty and valiance, most of all, a sense of pride, that now he was like the God Krishna, destroyer of evil. He brought it upon himself to take care of his little sister in every which way possible.
As the years passed, Krishna started college, discovering Pink Floyd, Malbro, Irani chai, midnight biryani. Getting sloshed was a permanent solution to life's miseries. Getting sloshed was celebration. Getting drunk and high was a way of life. It was a way to fill the gaping void in his life, which seemed to be caused by no apparent reason. The root he said was important, once I know it, I will quit he said. He had a lot of friends, but he never forgot his little sister. One call of hers and he'd drop everything, be it a bottle or a sentence in mid air and rush to her aide. He was her protector, her confidant and at times her co-conspirator. She looked up to him, adored him and thought of him as the enlightened one, the one who had all the answers and knew the ways of the world. To him, she was the only thing that kept him grounded to reality. Then, things changed.
He thought it was stress of school at first. The occasional not picking up of his call or not getting a reply to his message. She called him fewer times and their conversations were dry with spells of silence, as if she was always in thought or that they had nothing to say to each other. "Am I being too hard on her?" he thought, but then he realized there was another man in her life. Subhadra's Arjun was Krishna's friend. He tried talking to her, saying that Arjun was as clueless as him, without purpose or without care. But she was too smitten by the wild and unyielding Arjun to heed him, "besides, Krishna, he is just like you... He even says the same things as you do." Krishna attempted to talk to Arjun over a bottle of beer... He saw that Arjun was not touching neither the beer nor the joint. "I found my root Krishna, I found love, I found purpose" he said, "I quit".
He can't be upto any good Krishna thought. I have to constantly keep an eye on them, he decided. He pursued them relentlessly, zealously at first, fanatically and maniacally later. His drug abuse spiralled and he was sucked into the vortex of endless alcohol. With alcohol, his tongue lost control.Arjun was irritated, but Subhadra always understood, he would never let her go. When they decided to get married, they got consent from both their families, except Krishna, who in a fit of rage hit Arjun. My sister he roared in rage, is my sister, My sister. SHE is mine. Arjun had enough by then was enraged. "Come to your senses, she loves me as much as she loves you, I love her more than you do",he said. It hit Krishna then, when Arjun had said that. He looked at Arjun, how much he had progressed, he had everything, just because he wanted to make something out of himself. No longer could he see Arjun as his drinking buddy, he had far evolved. He looked at himself, the sorry state he was in, drunk and unable to comprehend, what he had made out of his life, his sister, an excuse, to escape from himself. The reality was, though he was a warrior, a saviour, a shield from evil to the outside world, he was the one in need of saviour, a warrior to combat his inner deamons. Krishna, he thought...What a sham, this namesake has made of your name...

I say....(Post 6)

Sometime in the last week I had this problem, my laptop (deciding that it had worked well enough since the past couple of month) refused vehemently to connect to the internet through wi-fi. The signal was clear, it had excellent strength, the IP address was in its rightful position and yet no internet. Which crime am I being punished for now? I thought as I stared in oblivion at the Internet explorer’s error message (I had a project deadline to meet the next day). It took me several calls to my service provider for them to realize that the internet was not at fault, apparently me drivers had gone kaput and that I had to call a hardware specialist to reconfigure them. Two hardware engineers and three days later my net still wasn’t working. This time they blamed it on my service provider.Another software engineer (courtesy my service provider) I realized, my router wasn’t working. Ok, I am not just ranting about my net woes, thats just a part of a bigger picture. The whole net fiasco got me thinking, me being a final year above average technical graduate from a decent college, having studied subjects like Computer Networks and the like, was not able to figure out that, my router, how do I put it, was screwed up. Shame
Well I realized that it was not only me, but a whole lot of my other peers who had little or no gyaan on why we were studying what we were studying. Why does IT have “Principles Of Communication” as a subject? I’m as clueless as the next person is. Well, that’s that, but I’ll admit, leaving all my pride aside, I do not know how to repair my own computer. I know I’m not lying when I say 75% of engineering graduates don’t.
Lets just take into account the principle all engineering students follow as a decree “One day batting”. Study the day before and pass with flying colors. What would be our state if we went to a doctor who got his degree doing one day batting? I’m too terrified to even imagine. Ok, I’m not being the Buddha preaching the “Circle of Life” saying all of this. I’m just saying this is going on because the system is allowing it. No, I’m not saying JNTU, but the education system in general. Introspecting a bit, I have no idea why I’m doing engineering, leave alone IT. Do most of us know why? I think the most plausible answer you would get would be “Because I didn’t want to be a doctor”. Indians value education. That’s a good thing, definitely. But, you see, as someone pointed out to me once, it was only because of that attitude our parents pushed us, sometimes cajoling us, sometimes reprimanding us, maybe even bribing us or just plain blackmail, made us believe, no brainwashed us into believing, that the world revolved around studies.
Your neighbors kid scores more than you, there is instant comparison spiraling you into a world of jealousy, hatred and what not. Not that what they are making you do is bad, its only for your bright future. That’s true. But, what happens when someone wants to genuinely learn something and is denied the knowledge?
You would be amazed to know how often that happens. Call it the lack of resources,infrastructure or even qualified enough teachers, well you are eschewed of your right to know. If your curious you are labeled naïve or laughed at for not knowing. That is the sad state of affairs, because we are taught not to question! Like a line out of a cheesy gangster movie “You ask too many questions”! And that’s just primary education. When we have great educationalists and reformists, what’s the intention behind removing the 10th class board exams? “We don’t care for languages and social studies?” What about technical education? Is there even a slight possibility that a civil engineering student would have at least built a thermacol model of a bridge? Maybe all of this is a consequence of commercializing education. I mean, think about it, private colleges charging exorbitant prices, so that you lose your life in the process of getting into a "good" college. Maybe not your life, just your sleep and precious brain cells in mugging up what? What temperature oxygen is in liquid state. Then, after you've been exhausted enough, your fifteen years of education is put to test on ONE exam, which decides how your life goes on after that. Talk about fair. Overcoming that Herculean task are a select few, the coveted cream of the society, the mediocre ones like myself, who would be self-detested graduates and the lower rung who are well according to the society , losers? If that isn't iniquitous enough, reservations and management seats come into the picture. The meaning of education, has made its transition from "amassing knowledge" to a "social status" to a "business". Well, whatever said and done, are you ready to face the world with the knowledge you have? Thats for you to introspect. As for my part, I'd say, a famous line from a famous movie. The system is not perfect, you can either live with it or fight against it. Think about it!

B'cos I want to...(Post 5)

Uhh I have fever but I'm just posting because I have to. There's the final match today and I hope the Netherlands win. I don't have anything again Spain,really. i do hate Paul though. He's one stupid octopus. Or we are even more stupid to be considering him as the FIFA Oracle. Sigh. I think we are going back to the dark ages. I don't even know when my date of joining is. Again, I obsess. Tomorrow you guys I shall come up with a story. Promise!

Thank you all! (Post 4)

I woke up feeling very sick today. It wasn't a good feeling, being sick. You know whats more worse than being sick? Feeling sick! I think I made my point. Anywho yesterday was a fun day, P gave me a surprise and I was pretty surprised that I couldn't get on it earlier. Thanks guys, P,N,A,K,S and K again for making me feel special. Especially P. I take it back dude. You can throw surprises! Thanks again for a really great time and cake. If only I wasn't sick today. Sigh!

Indulgence is...(post 3)

Ok, I'm officially in love with "Suno Aisha" from Aisha. How big is Sonam Kapoor's wardrobe? I mean really? She's got such drool worthy stuff in there... Like the Mango top. And her bags! Oh my God her bags! I'm just waiting to start work to buy one of those. But you know maybe when I do start working, I wouldn't buy them. I am not brand conscious, I mean I have loads of kurtis which I have picked up from random streets. And hey, don't judge, they are very pretty. I do love brands. I love the cut, the fit the whole nine miles of it. But, here's the problem, I go shopping(that's not the shocking bit. I'm a girl you see),but and here's the bigggg but, I cannot get myself to indulge. Like for example yesterday, I had the money almost 5 grand and I didn't even spend a half of it. Its not that my parents can't afford it or anything, I just feel terribly guilty and I end up buying some really average stuff. So as a consequence I end up complaining I don't have good enough clothes. Which my mum thinks is bugging because she did give me the money to buy good clothes anyways. Is there a word which sums up what I've described? Actually there are two, a miser and a complainer. Is that even healthy? I mean being miserly? Not that I think clothes are a waste of money. I'd like to spend heaps of money on clothes, bags and the rest, but I don't and I feel miserable about it. Which is again stupid. When will you learn Manju? Sigh!

A day that was.... (Post 2)

Well this is a view from Golconda... Such an awesome place... If you can get through the inital trek up to the fort , the view is a major incentive...

 Sometimes maybe our best is just not good enough. Like Klose and the German team for example, they did give the Spaniards stiff opposition, I mean though they had the control of the ball, Spain could not convert it into a goal till like the 72nd minute of the game, which was quite a fight Germany put up. As for Klose, you win some you lose some buster. So you didn't beat the world record... But you didn't let Villa score either.. So as of now you are still in the running for the golden boot. Well, I know that's no consolation but still you have hope Klose. I digress... So well yeah it was your best Germany but the Spaniards were just better than you. So, I was watching the match yesterday with my mum drinking.... Frooti... The match wasn't that exciting but me and my mum kept me entertained... She kept switching sides at the drop of a hat. Much fun seeing mum all hyperactive. She was actually high on frooti. Made me think how it would be watching the game in a sports bar drinking beer. I guess I would be on my feet the whole time and knocking things off left, right and center. I'm such a klutz. Ask P, I spilled Sambhar on my phone once, and that was a normal day. So with people around  and with beer in my system.... Ohhho what fun! I digress again. Oh, even if I did go to a sports bar, I wouldn't drink. Why you say? ' cos I don't drink. Why you ask, again?  No not because I'm scared of my mum. Nor is it because of my morals. I don't care really. Most of my friends drink. Then why you say? Well that's a post for another day.

Growing up is...(Post 1)

 Ok, its been a month since I've got my offer letter. A whole month I have been stressing about the date of joining. God knows when I'll stop stressing. I usually have this habit of obsessing about freakishly irrelevant things or about events which are hardly in my control. Not that I do anything about it, I just obsess and torture everybody around me. Specially P.  Why am I obsessed abut my joining date when starting work is pure torture you say? Well... you see there are a couple of people who I'm very attached to and share a love hate relationship with and they define my existence during these unimaginably boring days(Holidays are boring... can you imagine?). Yep, my gang. But all of them will be leaving by the end of this month, Oh! The heartache! What will I do at home without them? Sigh. Who will I do my shopping with? Who will kick my ass in one of my panic attacks? Who will I make fun of? Who will I hangout with? Who will I talk to about my mom's crazy plans? P, S and N... You are all bad friends! Leaving town before I do. Karma isn't the b***ch.. Growing up is.

I'm back!

Hey guys...  So the title is self explanatory, I'm back! Yeah its been long but I've been busy finishing my engineering and getting myself a job and minor inconveniences as such. Looking forward to blog away!

I, percieve........

There was this day, when me and one of my friends D had got attendance and wanted to get out of college. For the lesser informed, our college has a no-open-gate policy and has tenacious watchmen just waiting to rip you apart, as if you were a rag in a bull dog's mouth. Let me just showcase a bit of my college's hypocrisy here. To start of with, there should not be any verbal exchange between boys and the girls. Not that we are craving for male attention, but why bloody make it a co-ed in the first place when you want to follow a quarantine policy? I mean yeah I'm all for the separate buses(you should see how the bus overflows with people at any given point of time) I really wouldn't want to compete with the guys for the remaining half inch of floor space. But different canteens? What does the management think? We would charm the guys over a plate of rock hard rice and a daal made with a vegetable, which would surely give me rashes? Yeah I do know that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but hello, when you have a half an hour break, a growling stomach and a queue to have the last scrapings of something edible, trust me the opposite sex is the last thing on your mind. I mean, are they really that dumb I always wonder. People will meet, they will become friends and more than friends even if you oppress it. I've become friends with P and a lot of other guys, good guys at that and I'm pretty sure I haven't exploited their EEE modesty, contrary to the beliefs of a notorious member of their faculty.

You see thats the thing, hypocrisy, its prevalent everywhere. I mean P and the other guys think that there is no gender bias, but well there is, I've been at the recieving end of it. I mean, I can list out faculty who have said it on our face that, it isn't necessary for girls to study engineering. Why? A half of them think we girls and our wily charms would "distract" the guys. Yeah right! As if! And the other half, the half who know better, just think the infrastructure isn't good enough that the girls are at their competitive best. For example, I do score better in exams than my most male classmates. But in the end, they are better informed and technically sound. Ok, not only me P, the girls who actually want to learn as well. We sit in the lab and trust me, the male lab incharges are so reluctant to come to the girls section of the lab(yep discrimination). So the department decided, they would just appoint female incharges, who then start flirting with the guys and castigating the girls for why they wore high heels or left their hair and the rest. Mostly, they have zero working knowledge! In the end, the guys learn on their own and we are clueless yet again. Sigh. Yeah, thats the way it works.

If you thought that was the height, beat this. The day D and I got attendance, we were stopped by the bull dogs, oops I mean watchmen, because *drum roll* we were girls. When my male classmates, cruised out smoothly(pun intended. There is no tar road which leads to college and the journey is back breaking) on their cars and bikes. When we growled at the watchman,"Dude they are our classmates, let us out!!!" All the bull dog had to say was,"Yeah I did, I'm not going to let you out, what are you going to do about it?" I mean, the audacity of that guy! The worst thing is their word is always taken against ours. P said, maybe they thought that the stretch of road wasn't safe and didn't want two girls to walk alone. There's a point in that P, but he had no right to talk to two students like that! Especially when we were all respectful and called them "Sir". Yeah, and hypocrisy personified is the attendance finalization time. When you have less than 75% and more than 65%, you are left to go, because you paid *drum roll* 300 rupees as compensation. For people less than 65%, 3000 rupees. Thats how, I figure, guys who I've never seen in a single class the whole semester, keep getting promoted to the next. Well why can't you just bloody put an open gate and stricter attendance. Ohh wait, that way, the management would lose, the maximum profit they make! Nice... They are actually pretty good businessmen! What about the ground, where you are supposed to get your own equipment to play? And also has an unwritten boys only rule? I you are a girl, and you are seen playing there, and its not a sports event(???) you are stared at as if you have committed blasphemy. Sports fee is duely collected every year. Hmm... So much for equality.

Actually, before we cry foul, I think, girls, there is as much fault in us. I mean come on, when was the last time you went towards the ground. Yeah I know its very hot and dirty there and you don't want to chip you toe nails or get sweaty, its time we stood up to our needs. Us getting complacent, is well, just sending a signal that we don't care, which is hardly the case. I know a lot of S's M's and A's who are brilliant sportswomen. And about labs, come on, we badger them, they have got to tell us. Forget H's high heels or Al's loose hair. That is not our agenda. Of course, H and Al, we love you and will stand up for you treating college as a ramp, but hey sorry our jobs matter the most. Somewhere down the line, we've been so dazzled by you that, we forgot to take our stand for, well better faculty. Think girls, think, be it Helen of Troy or Cleopatra or Panchali or Sita, women changed the course of history. Let history repeat itself. Lets stand up for what we need, for once, united not thinking of lab marks or snide remarks or blemishes in character, certified by non descipt faculty and take up the initiative. Lets fight our own wars, instead moping and lamenting. Viva revolution!

Heart Crossings (Part 4)

Continued....

He sat on the bench opposite to the center lost in thought. The past few years had bought him so much satisfaction and happiness, that at times he almost felt that it was too good to be true. But he knew it wasn't a dream. It was reality which was only possible because of her. The love his life.

It was on an idyllic summer afternoon, when Ashish had come back home for two months of vacation. He thoroughly enjoyed his job. Flying an aircraft gave him a high and he felt that it was the most wonderful thing to do. He didn't want to come back for summer, but his parents had insisted. It had been more than an year since they had seen their son. A couple of hours into his break, he was already bored. Most of his friends had moved away from town or were happily married.

Ashish decided he would take a stroll to the mall, his mind was flooded with Krittika's memories. "Guess she must've got married by now" he thought conscious of the pain in him. Ashish had never felt so alone and empty. He often thought what if... What if he had just told her that he was helping Pavithra recover and that he hoped with all his heart that she would recover. Then as he introspected further, he realised, it was not a mater of what if but why didn't he? The way she had reacted when he had first found Pavithra, had always compelled him to protect Pavithra lest Krittika would launch a tirade against the already disturbed girl. Would Pavithra be better off if he had just taken Krittika's advice and come down hard on her? These were the questions that had always kept haunting him. Still sauntering in the past, something had caught Ahish's eye. It was a flier about the recent opening of a rehabilitation center and how it was different from the others. When the others concentrated on bringing an addict to full health and then brainwashing them against using drugs, this center wanted to go to the root and analyse why the victim had chosen drugs in the first place. A combination of pyschiatric, medical and exensive healing procedures would ensue that the addict was nurtured back to health and his confidence reinstated. It further stated that the center needed volunteers and had provided a phone number. Without thinking twice, Ashish called to register. "Hello, Pavithra Sanjay organisation, how may I help you?" said a voice. Ashish was numb. "It was too much of a co incidednce. Not too much, it cannot be one. How can it? Pavithra Sanjay? Sanjay was... was Kittu's brother. Had he started a rehab center? But why under Pavithra's name? Kittu?" Ashish's mind was racing. "Hello, anybody on the line?" said the voice."Uhh yes, hi. This is Ashish, I saw your add for volunteers and I'd like to volunteer," Ashish said. After the receptionist had listed out the formalities, Ashish finally asked "Wh.o runs this center?" The receptionist, said"Ms. Krittika sir, Sanjay's sister." Ashish's heart was thumping. "Krittika? His Kittu? But what had happened? She was in Berkely... When had she returned? Why hadn't she told him that she was back? What's with the organisation?" Ashish had a million questions and decided that he had to meet Krittika immediately. After pulling a couple of strings, he finally managed to find her number. There was a lump in his throat when he dialled her number."Hello" she said. "Kittu?""Ashu?"she said slowly after a gap. "Wow you still remember me! I was just in town and I realised you were back in town too... Can we meet sometime?" Ashish said."Sure, after all I can chuck coffee if you turn out to be an asshole, meet me in 10.. coffee shop at the mall" she said before disconnecting. "She still remembers," he thought as he smiled at himself involuntarily.

Krittika was already waiting when he had got there. "Hey you look great Captain!" she said her hand rising in salute. "Whoa! Kittu!" he managed to say, noticing the flicker of pain in her eyes. "What happened Kittu?" Ashish said after all the light hearted banter. Krittika looked visibily tormented with the memory of the past."Sanjay, as you know was in the navy. After I had left, well the ship he was serving on had collided into a rock. Sanjay was injured critically. Though the doctors were able to bring him back to normal, he was put on heavy sedatives and pain killers for a long period of time. Sanjay was so addicted that he couldn't survive without taking those pills. It was excrutiating to see him go through the whole stage, the pills taking control of his body and then him. He expired last year." She said sobbing. "It was then I realised, that I had been so wrong in my perception. It was not because they are losers people take drugs. There might be a more inherent problem there, when overlooked....." her voice trailed off. Ashish was speechless. Krittika continued"So I wanted to help people, to treat their self afflictations, their emotional turbulence once calmed, they would be normal again. So I started this organisation. As soon as I came up with this idea, I approached Pavithra's parents. They were more than happy to provide moral, emotional and of course the much needed financial support. I realised then, how much Pavithra had meant to you, how much you wanted her to have a normal life. " She was looking at him, her eyes pleading him to say it now, for it was not too late. "Kittu,I was distraught that you were leaving me, that day when Pavithra was missing, all I wanted to say to you was I beg you please stay back... You are as integral to me as Bernoulli's Principle is to flying!" Ashish stopped realising Krittika was staring at him. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you Krittika... you and I might have opposite perspectives and views about life, but we are empirically the same. I had gone through some of the worst days of my life without you and now seeing you like this... " he was unable to say anything else. There was heavy silence in between them. Both of them lost in thoughts of the past few years, the painful seperation, the loss of a loved one and guilt of not being with a loved one when they needed them the most."Kittu, I was so stupid, if I had thought about it then, I would've seen clearly that you would support me.You could've told me Kittu that Sanjay had expired, didn't you think I would come?" Ashish said. Finally Krittika held Ashish's palm, gave it a squeeze and said"This is my way of saying sorry Ashu, for the guilt and pain was so terrible that remorse wasn't enough. I just couln't take not doing anything." As if not wanting her to say anything else, he hugged her tight, this time promising himself that he would never let go.

He was still sitting on the bench when she came out of the center."Captain!" she said, eyes wide in surprise as she saw him. "Happy Birthday Kittu!" he said pulling out a coffee mug."Wow thanks! " she said, before noticing something else in the mug. By this time Ashu had got down on his knee. "Kittu, will you marry me? I swear you can chuck coffee on me for the rest of our lives, even if I'm not being an asshole!" he said slowly looking at her. "You took so long alpha male!" she said as she tried on the ring.

**THE END!**

P.S. P, I've used one of your lines here! So thank you!

Heart Crossings (Part 3)

(Continued....)

"What is the name of this relationship? Am I in love with him? Is he my friend? Was he someone I had a good time with? What Krittika? What?" Krittika was thinking as tears were welling up in her eyes. She had to meet Ashish for lunch the next day. Krittika spent the whole day trying to think of something to say to Ashish, so that he could get a hint of how much she loved him. She was there at the restaurant on time, because for once, she wanted to show him that he was her priority, nothing else. Half an hour passed, she had texted him, but there was no reply. She called him, he wasn't taking her calls. By then an hour had passed. "Hi Neha, this is Krittika, is Ashish with you?" "Hey Kittu... no he isn't with me, I'll find out ok?" Neha said. "Hey Kittu, figures that junkie Pavithra disappeared and Ashu's helping her parents look for her. Don't know why he keeps meeting that girl so many times, all these junkies are goddamn losers man! I think Ashu's wasting his time on her! You can tell her no... Hello? Kittu? Kittu are you there?" Neha was yelling. "Yeah Neha thanks," said Krittika distraught. It was as if something in her had died. Ashu, the guy she had loved more than her life, the guy she held no secrets from had kept his life a secret from her. It was as if she didn't even know him anymore. "Was she in love with a lie? A person who had no value for her feelings? Obviously, Kittu, how dumb of you. Why are you expecting so much from a person who had not even committed to you. He doesn't care to even properly say good bye, he doesn't deserve you" she thought as she cried herself to sleep.

The condition with Ashish was more or less the same, though he had volunteered to search for Pavithra, all his thoughts were centered on Krittika. He knew he had broke her heart. But he knew he could make ammends and then tell her that he loved her. Little did he know fate had other plans. As he was thinking about Kittu he recieved a call from the police officer. "We found the dead body of Pavithra near the diary farm forest stretch please bring a family member to identify her body." Ashish couldn't believe it. Pavithra, who he thought was his sister , who he wanted to lead a normal life was dead. He was shocked and unnerved, this was a girl on whom life had played a cruel joke on. She had not even seen one tenth of her life. Ashish didn't even know that a month had passed; He had been very busy consoling Pavithra's parents, performing her last rites, he had just started a campaign to root out drug abuse. He knew every passing day was increasing the distance between him and Kittu and pretty soon it would be too late but he was distraught when the realisation hit him that even Kittu hadn't tried to call him since the day Pavithra went missing.

A week had passed and Ashish was travelling to another part of town for an anti-drug campaign. Thats when he saw her. "Hey Kittu.... " he called out. She looked at him, without any trace of recognition and Ashish immediately knew that things were way past irreconcible between them."Ashish," she said. "How is Pavithra? How are you two doing? Did she kick the addiction? Oooh.. I'm sorry how can she, when she has you to bail her out. You guys make a great pair I'm sure", she said, stressing on each word carefully. Ashish felt as though somebody had stabbed him. Was this the girl he had loved? He knew he had hurt her, but she thought he and Pavithra... The thought itself was boiling his blood. "Krittika!" He yelled. "Why? Getting angry 'cos I'm talking the truth?" it was as if she was challenging him. He felt as if he was going to hit her, if she would stand infront of him any longer. "I don't have to explain myself to you Krittika. You of all people should understand me. But you didn't. Anyways, I guess we bumped into each other because we had something left between us. That day, I called you to meet because I wanted to break up. Our roads are different. They would never meet. If it were that day, I would have thought twice to say that. But today, I really have to thank you. You made it so easy for me. Its over Krittika." He said. Krittika nodded her head. "You are welcome" she said looking out of the moving train's window so that she could hide her streaming tears from him.

(Continued part 4....)

Heart Crossings (Part 2)

Continued from part 1

As he led the way, he asked again"so do you work in the store?" "Yeah, in weekends... I love playing with the kids who come in and well I get a staff discount in most of the other stores, so its a convenient arrangement" she said, laughing. He noticed that she had a very earthy laugh and said,"actually, I wanted to apologise, I really didn't let you face your fear". Her lips quivered as she nodded her head,"it wasn't you, Ashish, if I wanted to conquer my fear I would have even if you had said something, I guess I wasn't ready and my outburst was just a manifestation of my unwillingness to accept it." He looked at her in wonder, it had been quite sometime since he had met a girl who spoke like that. "So what do you do other than organising blood donation camps?" she asked, sounding inquisitive and conscious that he was looking at her. "I am an engineering student, final year, carefree and wild as you can see,"he said pointing at his hair which was growing wildly all over and they started laughing. It seemed as if things were very natural and by the end of their respective espresso and cappuccino he looked into her eyes and she blushed. "Listen, I know you have a shift tomorrow, but if you're free tomorrow, I really would like you to come to this show we organised for an orphanage, call me incase you want to come and I'll pick you up. " he said as he gave her a smile. "I'll see if I can come", she said mentally going through her closet to pick an outfit.

Two months later Ashish and Krittika were dating and it seemed to each of them that they had come a long way since their first meeting. Ashish realised Kittu, as he called her was an earthy, intelligent,a sweet girl who was strangely vulnerable under that fiesty, brave and rude façade. Krittika thought Ashu was emotional, focused and sensible. But what she loved in him the most was the fact that he would stand up to his principles no matter what. It was a beautiful August afternoon when Krittika got a call ”hey Kittu, umm I need your help, I’m at the police station can you, come here asap? ” Ashish said. Fearing the worst Krittika went, to find him sitting next to a girl”hey Kittu, this is Pavithra, she’s 17 and is a junkie, they arrested her, I just bailed her out, but she’s not in her senses yet, so can you keep her at your place till tomorrow?” he said. Krittika didn’t want to argue in the police station, so the next day, after they had found Pavithra’s parents and sent her home with them, Krittika said”You know Ashish, I think you shouldn’t have bailed her out. I think she should’ve been in jail, she would know.” Ashish looked at her strangely,”she’s young Kittu, she doesn’t know, its her first time, now that she’s got help she won’t do it again. Life always gives you a second chance. If you didn’t give me a second chance we wouldn’t be talking this way.” Krittika didn’t say anything else but she didn’t like what Ashish had done.

It was as if they were perfect for each other, complementing and contrasting each other. Their friends always felt that they were in love and that they made a great couple. It was the final year of college and Krittika wanted to go abroad for her higher tudies. She wanted to go abroad and see the world, enjoy life. Ashish had other plans. He was a true patriot and decided he would join the airforce. Though both of them had known their future plans, they had decided not to talk about it till something materialized. Krittika was about to call Ashish when he had called himself.”Kittu! Know what? I got accepted into the airforce! I’m so happy! Its my dream come true!” Kittu was silent for a minute before she said “Congratulations, Ashish, I got accepted by University of Berkley. I have to join in another two months.” Ashish couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He knew this had to happen, but he wasn’t ready to digest the fact that it had happened so soon. He knew he loved Krittika, but he didn’t know if she had loved him. He loved his country and he was not ready to forfeit his chance to get into the airforce. But Kittu, he wanted her to stay back, with him all his life. Yet, he couldn’t because he didn’t know if that was what she wanted, if asking her would be unfair, not wanting her to pursue her dreams, when he didn’t want to leave his dream for her. So he said”I guess, we have to talk about that Kittu.” She knew what it meant, that it was over. But there was a tiny ray of hope in her, that Ashish would finally realize that she loved him and ask her to stay back with him and tell her that both of them would live their life together forever….(To be continued….)

P.S. This story i dedicated to P.... For continually inspiring me to write and driving me to experiment! Yeay P! You rock!

Heart Crossings(Part 1)

They were sitting in the train, the announcement of an arriving station ocassionally breaking the prevailing silence. She was looking at him, her eyes filled with a million questions, her heart wishing he would ask her to stay. He was staring out of the window at the empty barren landscape, knowing that what he had done was irreversible, he had just let her go. The announcement of her station had been made, she stood up, straightening her coat as she said,"well then this is goodbye I guess, Ashu ..." lingering on every word,tears welling up, in anticipation of something she knew would never come. "Yeah, I guess," he said, wanting to hold on to her forever, realising he was killing a part of himself in the process of letting go.

Ashish and Krittika had first met at a blood donation camp, which Ashish and his friends were organising. Krittika had come to donate blood, just to prove a point to Sanjay, her brother that she could stand up to her principles, even though she was mortally scared of injections and needles. She had walked up to Ashish at the registration and said"Hey, I'd like to donate blood, can I have a form please?" Ashish gave her a form without even looking up and said,"fill it, go to the doc and then take a token if she says your ok." Krittika nodded and went about with the formalities. As soon as she was deemed fit, she was escorted to the assistant who would draw her blood, tears welling up at the sight of a huge needle. Ashish was making his rounds, distributing an energy drinks as he stopped near Krittika. the girl was already crying. "Silly girl, she's going to chicken out," he thought as he said,"hey its ok, you don't have to do it, if you don't want to." Krittika, by now was frantic and panic striken"Uhh, no my brother, he said I couldn't do it, I just want to prove I'm not a coward." Ashish started laughing, which had obviously offended Krittika enough to make her stop crying. "Why the hell do you guys find it funny? Being scared is a perfectly natural condition. Its that I'm scared of smaller, things and, you guys being the alpha males are fearless right? You find it amusing that someone actually has the audacity to get rid of their fears, specially if its a girl. You need us lesser mortals and our fear to torment, right?" she said, stopping her outburst finally to catch her breath, when she realised in horror that everybody was looking at her in stunned silence. "I uh... I'm sorry" she said, in embarrasment as she started running. Ashish, still stunned was looking at the direction where she took off, as Neha came and asked him, "what was that all about?" he shrugged his shouulders in reply.

Two months later, Ashish still wondered about that girl in the blood donation camp. It was Neha's birthday the next day and all of them had planned a surprise party. He had gone to the mall to buy her a gift, when he saw her, at the counter of a shop that sold kids accesories and clothes, playing with a baby. On impulse, he waled into the shop and said"Excuse me, do you have anything for alpha males who need lesser mortals to torment?" She looked at him, her eyes wide and thought for a while before she said"Look I already said I'm sorry, I didn't have to say that. That was the needle-phobic me speaking." "Do you work here?" he said, looking around. "I don't think I have to answer that" she said putting on a straight face. "Come on, lets not get onto a bad start! I'm Ashish by the way.""Krittika"."Nice name, Krittika. By the way, let me buy you a coffee and you can curse this alpha male all you want for not letting you get over your fear ", he said looking at her. She was looking at with a raised eyebrow and said"I don't think so". "Owwwh come on, its just coffee, in the same mall, just 10 minutes, so I can apologise properly, you can chuck the coffee on me if you think I'm an asshole," he said earnestly. She wanted to smile, but didn't want him to know that she was intrested,"Ok, but just 10 minutes". She said as she asked someone to cover for her. (To be continued....)

P.S. This is my first attempt at fiction, so please don't mind if its too long....

Freedom, expressed

"What is freedom of expression? Without freedom to offend, it ceases to exist". So said Salman Rushdie. A lot of us would agree to it, maybe even swear by it. The reason is simple enough, every person in this world is unique in his own way and is entitled to have an opinion. Hence it is justified for a person to think that his take on a subject is accurate and therefore the world should accept it. Thus arises debate and for the more belligerent souls, an arguement and maybe a fight would not be far behind. Well, what happens when a certain individual has accepted an ideology and then as time passes by, he swerves from it? Change in perception, is after all, human nature. Would he be condemned by his fraternity, shunned by all those who had looked up to him admiringly or in reverence?

Well, that has just been the case with Mr. Jaswanth Singh, our former financial minister. Jaswanth Singh, a veteran politician was dragged into controversies because of his book "Jinnah:India-Partition-Independence". Apparently, in this book he had yet again strummed on a sensitive issue, the partition and who was responsible for it. According to this book, he portrays Nehru and Sardar Vallabhai Patel as the demons responsible for the partition. Jinnah is visualised as a lesser, maybe even the more admirable of the trio, the consequences of whose actions still bring out feelings of animosity and stir painful memories for most residents of the sub continent. But, isn't history itself an opinion? A prejudiced treatise on social conditions and traditions? In any case, the whole truth wouldn't be unveiled, would it? (Like the legend of King Arthur. Who knows if there was a Camelot?) In most cases it is romanticized, sugar coated and often manipulated to depict the glory of a nation or a race. Of course, there are those who think otherwise and have tried to disagree, Jaswant Singh being one of them for which he has been condemned by his berthern. Him being a senior party member of Bharatiya Janta Party, known for its Hindutva ideology, was literally a scrumptuos feast for the eternal mud flingers, fault finders, chair pullers and the like. The book was banned, so was Singh from the BJP.

This whole issue paints a much more profound picture. Was Jaswanth Singh, who had been in the BJP for over a decade, unaware of the party's ideologies? Certainly not. Just that for once, he stood up for his intellectual views and personal priorities. Trying to set his expulsion as an example to the rebels within the party, BJP is trying to clean up the chaos that had seeped into the party mechanism. After all, the lesson has been learnt. Maybe the political scenario would improve henceforth, as the Opposition of a country should have a strong grip on issues which is hardly the case with BJP.

Was Jaswanth Singh right in bluntly putting his views forward or was it a way of showing his disapproval of the party ways or was it publicity for his book, he can only tell. Maybe freedom of expression was his way of finally attaining freedom from this mindless power game. Only time shall tell.

Coke float,dad and I...

Well, my dad is great. As in really great. He's a doctor. Self-explainatory huh? Well yeah it is... Kinda..umm I think. Well, firstly, he has nooo idea, absolutely no idea whats going on my life. Secondly, he thinks I'm still, what, a four year old kid in pigtails! Ok, so P, thats why I wasn't hyper excited at the prospect of going out shopping with my dad. Well, I'm a self confessed shopaholic and I'm those kinds of women who thinks a girl can never have enough. I mean just telling P how many kinds of shoes I wanted made him gasp! Ok, so we went shopping, my dad and I. The whole ride to the shopping mall, was spent telling my dad at placements! Yep, you heard it right, which companies were coming to my campus and all. I was trying to tell my dad about really cool ideas like, a couple of my friends trying to go into the agriculture business and he scorned it, yep he laughed at it without even letting me finish. If that wasn't snobbing me enough, I had to buy a kurti, an orange kurti, when I wanted a black chic skirt! Sigh! I stood in line to pay the bill, when he was standing out oblivious of the world around him.

Next stop in our bonding trip was McDonalds. I wasn't even hungry but finally gave into him 'cos maybe I thought he wanted to eat there! I was trying to tell him how MCD worked out cheapest for us, me P and the rest of us, permanent members of the perennially bankrupt assosciated. He wrinkled his nose with a disapproving nod. Well, he also compared this burger to the one he had a couple of years back when Rang De Basanthi had released. By now, I was open jawed. Come on, RDB? That was like 5 years ago!!! After the whole episode was over, the only question he asked on our way back, "Whats so much fun in what we did? I mean that was a hangout right?"Sure dad. Sure!

I love my dad. But, the thing is he fails to treat me as an individual capable of taking mature decisions. P says that's because I behave like a kid most of the times throwing tantrums and all. Leaving all that aside, the eerie and uncomfortable silence the whole time we were out, was because I think he felt left out from my life. Maybe the realization finally hit him, that I had grown up. Maybe......

Strange Love....

Well, ok P I admit, I cannot walk with heels on. There! Happy(That doesn't mean I will stop wearing them!)? It was a beautiful day today, my favourite weather(all cloudy but no rain!). So P and I decided to embark on a small adventure of our own. We wanted to do something really wild, like go bungee jumping wild wild, like those insanity waves which just hit you and you remain restless till you do something impulsive, that wild! More the merrier, so we decided to call our friends U and G, who were jumping at the prospect of adventure(Insanity is in the air I presume).Ok, I know I'll sound cliched but I'll just say it anyways. Initially I thought it was more of an adventure, visiting new parts of the city(in a train) I had never heard of, let alone been to, but the journey proved as an insight into myself among other things. Hyderabad is a huge city. I mean huge! Where I live, study and hangout are all three different areas, but maybe they just account to one- fifth of the whole city(combined of course!). G and I were in for a rude shock when we got down the train, it was as if we were transported to another area, a smaller village or something, with a largely Muslim population. Which freaked G out. Me, well that's another story. The place was well how do you put it, dirty. Not that I'm a neat-freak or something, but I just couldn't digest the fact that there were areas like this in Hyderabad. It had drains, open sewers, pot holes and it smelled. Not that the crowd was great either. The guys were pretty excited, P said something about it being exotic! U was all cheerful for... ummm... well he's usually cheerful, I think. It was not as though it was a slum, but I couldn't stop judging the place. Not that anybody said anything to me(not with P and U around!). I definitely can say, I would never go to that place all alone, its those places which creep you out instinctively. P and U maybe right when they say its wrong to judge a place, there is equal good as there is bad everywhere, but as a girl I think that I should go with my instinct. Or maybe its just my paranoia speaking.
Love makes people do strange things, maybe not love, maybe just the anticipation of love or romance or whatever. They are complex things, liking and loving, going out and commitment, date and a hang out . I wouldn't even start explaining either. Just what I've observed today, strange thing this love is, for instance

1. Surprising your girlfriend on her birthday with cake and flowers. Especially when you don't think birthdays are a big deal.
2. Getting into an overcrowded city bus, just because your girlfriend doesn't like the area around. More surprising so, if you are the kinds who would never travel in a bus.
3. Drinking coffee for the first time in your life.
4. Holding hands in public. Mushy right? But you tend to do it unintentionally, without any seeming discomfort. Comes a point when you actually start liking it.
5. The thought "can I take her there" strikes when you think of a restaurant or a hang out spot to go to.
6. When you start thinking, how true, when your friends say you give your girlfriend a lot of importance.
7. When you know your in trouble, when you hangout with your friends among whom a girl you liked a long time back is present.
8. When you are disturbed when you don't get a text reply within 5 minutes of you sending it.
9. When you actually think before hanging out with a friend because you said "NO" to your girlfriend when she asked(Huge trouble! You can get your ass kicked!)
10. When you wonder if you have really changed when your girlfriend said so!
    

Like I said... Strange Love... I've seen U and P go through it, any given day I would laugh at it but not today. What I realised today was that there is something beyond all the dating, going out, hanging out and commitment. The emotional bond. That's Strange Love!!!